one month of motherhood
sweet pea is one month as of yesterday.
wow, that went fast.
it makes me slightly reflective.
i was watching oprah.
i know you are thinking, "how does she have time to watch tv?" my mom is in town..... sweet pea was asleep, boys were playing with legos. it was interesting to hear how important it is to hear other mothers talk about the struggle of being a mom. the reality that this job is hard and so rarely does it feel like it is okay to say, "take this job and shove it." do i have the freedom to say that? can i really struggle in front of other people? i have a one month old and i am tired. frankly, i was tired before i had her. frankly, i have been tired for four years..... i have not slept through the night in almost five years. this is a hard job....and how does my blog play into that?
i post pics of a garden that i am not planting.
i post pics of a cake that really only took me about 10 minutes to decorate that came from a box.
i post pics of adventures we go on when i have people that help me get there.
i post about books i read when i should be parenting.
am i really all that interested in admitting that this is tough?
in theory i am. but i have a friend who is constantly commenting on how "pulled together" i appear and how easy i make it look. perhaps i am not being a good friend to her because she thinks that her struggles are unique or that i can't relate or that i dont' get totally overwhelmed by just trying to get out the door. it is hard to relearn and redefine who i am since having kids. i am not the same and i can't just reclaim who i was or the life i had before kids. i wouldn't want to. i am wiser, my life is richer, and then there are days when finding contentment is a hard thing to grasp and hold onto. we are always looking for definitions or titles or categories to put ourselves or people we meet. it is hard for me to realize i am that mom with three kids now. that is different than having one or two..... i have three. i am more than my kids, but i am defined by my kids. my schedule is not my own, my body is not my own, my house is not my own. but i am not complaining.....just thinking outloud.
do i love it?
it the most amazing thing i have been able to be a part.
would i trade it?
never....okay.....maybe once a week for dinner or a movie. not really.
my children are amazing. i love them more than i knew that i could.
but there are days when i want to walk out the door and walk away.
i have come to understand somethings about myself.....
i am not perfect (duh!).
i am learning.
i am growing.
i need grace.
i need to give grace.
i need forgiveness.
i need to give forgiveness.
i need my husband.
i need my community.
i need other moms.
mostly, i need jesus.
i'm sure i'll think more about this especially since my six week check up is next week. is it possible to have a baby and go for the six week check up and gain weight? chocolate chip cookies are my friend right now.... perhaps too much! i'm okay with that....for the moment. i miss running and realize that i miss my running body. BUT, i'm not quite ready to give up my elastic waisted pants. :)
Comments
I was thinking about this post as I made dinner and here is the thing: I think that every mom has a set of strengths (I know, obvious, obvious). But, Kathy, I honestly think that one of your strengths is getting out the door. You've been a getting out the door mom from the get go. When our 4 year olds were babies I asked you about your day and you had a full out-of-the-house schedule. Mondays-library, Tuesdays-gymborie or what have you. I think when you became a mom you prioritized getting out the door. I think you needed to. And it has been so good for you. And it has been so good for your kids.
When I became a mom I threw myself into making stuff. In a big way. When our 4 year olds were babies you were taking your kiddos out and about and I kept mine home and made things...cookies, cards, scrapbooks, quilts. I prioritized making things. I needed to. And it has been so good for me and it has been so good for my kids.
But every now and then I need to take my kids out and you need to make something and we tap each others' strengths. I take you to fabric stores and laboriously type out recipes. You motivate me to get to museums and parks. So when I ask you, "Kathy, how is it you are never late?" It's because a) I've never known you to be late and b) I think it is one of your mama skills. I imagine that you could write out an article full of tips for getting out the door. And, well, I would like to read that article because I would like getting out the door to be so much easier and because if I could never be late again, I would be a really happy lady.
ok. that's it. need to finish dinner now.
I appreciate your realness. Authenticity = good because it makes us aware that we are not alone in our "Im a mess" -ness. xoxo
PS She is ADORABLE!!!
And one of these days I'm coming to visit, and I'll trek out to those cool places right along side ya! I ventured to Sea World with 3 kids under 8 years -- it don't scare me!
"it is hard to relearn and redefine who i am since having kids." amen. i think omar has heard me say these words more than i can count. hearing you "talk" it out is good for me. thank you!
and who doesn't like elasticized pants?