a life beyond running shoes.

transitions pretty much sucks.  you have one foot in your previous world, yet are trying to put a foot in your new world.  but nothing feels solid. it is all shaky, gravely, uneven sand.  i have felt like we were just on vacation.  renting a house....oh wait, with our own stuff in it.  exploring a city...oh wait, this is where we live.  having summer fun... oh wait, daddy goes to work.    at some point we will go home, right?  okay, so not all transitions are terrible.  this one is an awesome opportunity.  but we are in the middle of this in-between space where we aren't there but we aren't here either because there is no normal yet....no routines, no rhythms, no friends, no classmates, no teams.  and then today.  school started.  we were all nervous.  the smiling picture of the kids. true. but we might have been wiping away tears as we posed for it. i wanted to capture the ...

i am not sure i even know where to begin. i think i am changed. i don't think i can go backwards. i think i am on a journey..... one that god is working and unfolding. i am pretty sure he has been working on these things for more than just this summer, in fact for years, but i think the books i encountered this summer are part of moving us forward and moving us deeper.  hubbie and i have always had this heart but i realized we have been okay just saying that we could not do it "right now."  i repent. i have been lazy. i have had a hard heart.  my heart does not look like jesus. it is not okay.  i have to move toward jesus and toward others.  he is calling me to himself.....  freedom of simplicity . by richard fotster. he takes the other two books from previous post and grounds them. he completely argues that simplicity is a spiritual issue.  it is a spiritual maturity issue.  it something to be cultivated, practiced, exercised.  i k...

this blogging thing is weird. how public do i get.... should i be..... when do i process....how.... etc. well, as to not emotionally vomit via the internet, i will give the bullet points of our summer: my husband resigned from his position as a church planting pastor due to financial reasons. i started packing. my husband did three weeks of home-improvement projects to get our house ready. we put our house on the market. we left on vacation without daddy..... change of plans due to implosion brooklyn. had a blast in california. changed our summer itinerary and came home by passing time in florida. had our final worship service... in our hone no less for an added sweetness. got an offer on the house....countered, accepted. un-enrolled boys from public school. started paperwork to homeschool. kids got sick. left again on vacation. kids had 10 days of stomach bug. had a awesome time at a lake in tennessee with cousins, family, and gramma. my husband had a skype interview with another chur...

we had a bit different good friday this year. it is the time to reflect on jesus.... his sacrifice, the magnitude of his love for me, the weight of my sin.... looking forward to easter and the glorious resurrection. yet, this year.... it marked the two year anniversary of my father-in-law's passing. all my in-law's were together.... we were not able to be with them. we had to carve out our own space to remember, reflect, grieve, celebrate..... we watched the video from his funeral... i miss a lot about him. these are his hands. something so memorable about him. i miss his laugh. the way he loved my kids. the way he loved me. the husband and father he was..... "may the god of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in him so that you may overflow with the hope by the power of his holy spirit." -rom 15:13 happy easter.

it walks around without assistance. it eats lunch in the cafeteria. it learns how to share, write letters, and play keyboar d. it participates in gym and dance. it is not happy. transition to kindergarten has been tough on both of us. he doesn't like it. i miss him. i don't like that he doesn't like it. that breaks my heart. i had this moment in the store last week where i realized that i only had two children with me. somehow, how i saw myself was acutely aware of how others saw me.....normal. no one commented on the fact that i had two boys and "finally got my girl" or "wow, your kids are close" or even "are they all yours?" i was just a mom with two kids. nothing remarkable. i wanted to wear a sign that said, "my other one just started kindergarten!!" the tension of how much easier it was to navigate my day in opposition to missing my oldest kiddo. it is weird not to have him around all day. it is fun to interact with t...

running across brooklyn bridge this morning. on mile 6. the sun is starting to warm me; the morning chill is finally leaving. it hits me.....september 11th. i take it in.....they aren't there. the towers. the hole in the sky-line is not as noticeable now because i have adjusted, gotten used to it, and don't notice except in old movies that they are still there....that is jarring. i had quite a few miles to be reflective this morning. i still get gripped by the stories of people i know (or don't know) who were there/here. those who weren't. those who lost someone. those who didn't. those who were affected. those who just remember. it is a visible poignant memory in new york. it is on all our fire trucks, stations, police cars, murals, stickers, t-shirts, postcards. and yet, i had forgotten. it wasn't until half-way through my run that i realized it was today. in part, it has become part of the scenery, the backdrop of the city. but what am i to reflect on? rememb...

got a night out. my dear friend, jb, flew up here SO that she could drive with me and my three kids to florida. that is right.....she is spending two days in the car with us. as a small thank you, we went and saw a broadway show. got half price tix. we were open for anything. american idiot . music by green day. on broadway? yup. think rent vibe with punk costumes and sonia tayeh choreography (from so you think you can dance ). it was great but i had that thought during the opening number, "what have i brought jb to? is she going to hate this?" there were moments when she did but overall really enjoyed it. can i admit that i loved it? can i admit that i had flashbacks to a previous era? can i admit that it made me think of my crush on that straight-edge skater kid who lived down the hall and played kerplunk on vinyl for me my first semester of college. or that tape he made me that i played in my car (very loudly) on the way up the mountain to go snowboarding? so str...

a year. wow. even as i process being with my husband's family last week, i am still overwhelmed by how quickly it went, yet how significant of a year it has been that it seemed to have crawled by at the same time. sweet pea was only six weeks old when my father-in-law died. she is getting so big. these guys are all within four weeks of each other. (sorry locks.... didn't mean to capture you in tears) this is how i know that time is passing. i also realize that i don't feel as raw. i don't feel as if i am walking around with my nerves endings on the outside of my skin. i can still get bowled over by my grief, but it doesn't come as often. and god's comfort and grace come more quickly. it has been a long year..... but we are still resting in the arms of our savior. he has been good.... all year.

it is a strange thing to realize your life was altered significantly a year ago. my husband and i flew down to florida to be with his family on the one year anniversary of his dad's death. strange to say, but it was nice to have the occasion to reflect, remember, rejoice. in the midst of daily life, work, school, busyness, those moments can slip by. we got to gather, sing god's praises, tell stories of god's goodness in the midst of sorrow, and laugh. lots of laughing. there were tears.... but there was more laughter. i remember singing jesus, i am resting last year. it still was like a salve to my soul again this year...... jesus, i am resting, resting in the joy of what thou art. i am find out the greatness of thy loving heart. oh how great thy loving kindness, vaster, broader than the see. oh, how marvelous thy goodness lavished all on me. yes, i rest in thee, beloved, know what wealth of grace is thine, know thy certainty of promise and have made it mine. every lif...

spring is here!!!! (photo from ditmasparkblog.com - photo of the day by nelson) this weekend's 10 mile run - 65 degree weather. spectacular! of course, everyone was out in the park.... i did get a bit testy. this morning it was 50. i get confused how to dress for this. i know thirty and below. i know 60 and above. 50 is just confusing. stef and i had a good, hard, quality run this morning. we did the hill.... that blessed, beloved hill three times. upon finishing the last hill and working our way around the rest of the loop our cloudy morning turned into spring showers. it wasn't a drizzle.... it was raining. like the sky opened up. adventure run - spring style. epiphany: i really do love this sport. there were not that many folks out there this morning.....nor a few weeks ago when temperatures were still hovering the 30s. i have trained and retreated now three times. that would be three babies later, i am still training hard for a race..... i don't have many moments ...

halfway to each other: how a year in italy brought our family home. susan pohlman quick read. my favorite kind these days. she was interesting. marriage falling apart. they take a shot at rebuilding by living in tuscany for a year. two kids. beach side property. my cynicism says.... duh, of course you could rebuild in that environment. but what struck me was the way she candidly revealed how they ended up so far from each other: materialism. perfectionism. productivity. the social life. the kids. the activities. the life style. the american dream. it was what allowed them to stop communicating. i think she is careful not to blame those external things but admits those "things" are what gave them the excuse to stop working toward each other. it allowed their life to become just passing each other in the hallway between drop-off, pick-ups, dinner parties, family, friends, and church. it allowed them to get to the place of thinking "i work harder than he/she does." ...

of our impromptu party. it was one of those nights when i realize how great my kids are. they were funny, affectionate, endearing, and hysterical. i was laughing so hard. we had a tickle fight. we had a dance party. we had a jumping, running competition. we had a workout. we had a laughing fit. perhaps it was the two glasses of wine i had..... or that they weren't hitting each other..... or that we were all in good moods..... or that we actually enjoyed each other's company. whatever it was.... it was a fabulous night. the kind that you want to embed in your memory. when your boys are small enough to still fit in your lap. when they still want your affection. when you realize that they are growing up. when you realize they won't always be this size. when you realize that you have really great kids.

it is hard to believe that seven months ago my father-in-law went home to be with jesus. it has been a long period in our lives. it feels like it has been a lot longer than seven months. it feels like a lifetime really. partly because life is so different. we are so different. there is a sobriety to life that was not there seven months ago. in the middle of church planting and having a baby, grieving a dad was not what we expected. we are still trying to figure out how to just be...... it makes coming into the holiday season a bit "confusing." don't get me wrong..... we will celebrate with family and friends. we will joyfully celebrate the advent of our savior. we get to sing great songs of praise (i love christmas carols) we get to think upon that for which we are most thankful for. .... but there will be a constant absence there. we miss him...... i will miss: his fried turkeys. his birthday. his constant encouragement. his laugh. his love for his grandchildren...