a life beyond running shoes.

she is cute and sweet and fun. but don't let that fool you. she tantrums. she kicks. she yells. she fights. she whines. she resists. and that is the state of my heart. i am fighting the idea that my plan is no longer god's plan. i had a 20 year plan that included my children graduating from high school in this house. i don't shift gears easily. church was so good for me yesterday. to be called into god's presence. to be ushered into worshiping the king. to repent of my toddler-heart. to proclaim god's goodness that endures forever. it is changing my heart....slowly.

epiphany was on wednesday. it actually marks the end of the christmas season for the church calendar. here was one of the prayers from church this past week: o god, in the beginning you spoke, and creation was born, the object of your loving care. in the fullness of time you spoke, and the word became flesh, jesus, your gift of love. we wonder at the miracle of creation; we stand in awe before the beauty of the incarnation. forgive us earthbound people, feeble in faith, empty of hope, lacking in love. this year let the miracle and mystery of christmas happen for us again. we wait upon you with ready heart, o god, through jesus christ, our lord, amen. what do i want god to do this year? what do i hope for? what promises of god's am i waiting for him to accomplish? what do i want him to move in me? how do i want him to move me forward? here we go twenty-ten!

i usually try and have a running list of books i want to read. i look it over at the beginning of the year, evaluate where i am by summer and then see what i can finish by the end of the year then total up how many books i read. this year one of my goals was to read the little house on the prairie series. i am reading it along with an 11 year and an 9 year old from our church. we are bonding over laura ingalls. we all love her simplicity and joy in picking berries. i love the seasonality of their life. having just finished farmer boy , i love his love for the land and horses even at the age of ten. in true, competitive fashion i am struggle with how to "calculate" this series. do i count each book as an individual book? do i count every two as a book? do i call the whole series one book? ah, the inner struggles of someone who likes to cross things of a "to do" list. funny where my pride comes out.... like why is it that important that i be able to count u...

the lord gives and he takes away. while we mourn the passing of my father-in-law it was elixir for the soul to be blessed with three newborns within four weeks of each other. that is my sweet pea in the purple polk-a-dot onsies. she is 11 days older than boy cousin in the green stripes and exactly four weeks older than girl cousin in the pink & green polk-a-dots.... the poor boy sandwiched in there between two girls. g'ma and girl cousin. so very cute! i'm not sure how much i actually held my child while we were in florida. she was snuggled and cuddled by g'ma, aunts, friends, and cousins alike. sweetpea particularly loved her aunt kristen. it is hard to figure out how to grieve a father-in-law. the hurt is as deep as losing a father, but he was not my father. i loved him like a father even though i have a dad that loves me. he was just different. maybe that is why i loved him so. he was just different.... different than my dad. which meant that i got to know h...

it is hard being home. it was excruciating to leave. is nice to be home. it was nice to sleep in my own bed. but the strange thing is that walking thro ugh the airport yesterday i realized than anyone seeing us would think we are normal people - a cute family getting on a plane after their florida vacation. we aren't. look close. we are sad. we are grieving. our lives have been altered. but you can't see that without looking really close. in florida, everyone has lost him. everyone's lives have been altered by his death. his fingerprint was on everything and everyone. here at home, reality has not been shifted. nobody else lost him. it won't always hurt like this, but our family will never be the same. we have friends, dear friends, that are mourning with us, grieving with us, loving on us. and for that we are thankful.... so very thankful . but it made leaving hard. some helpful words from a friend: "events and things come with the moments; but god...

i think this was the summer of 2006. what a handsome man! the last five days have been a long blur. at moments i forget what day it is, if i have eaten, when the last time i fed sweetpea. but in the midst of those moments of forgetfulness, i realize that he isn't on his way home.... or up asleep.... or out at a job site. he is at home in heaven. my husband got to do the call to worship for his father's funeral on saturday. it was amazing. here are some things he said: We are grateful you are here to help us mourn, to help us grieve and to help us celebrate the life of an amazing man. My brother said last night that he was a man whose heart had been gripped by Christ, and that turned him into a man who gripped each of us. But most importantly, we are grateful you are here to worship the risen Lord with us this morning. It is what DAD loved to do above all else, and there is nothing else we can do that is more important than to come into the presence of our loving heavenly ...

jesus, i am resting, resting in the joy of what thou art i am finding out the greatness of thy loving heart. today...... my husband lost his father. my children lost their grandfather. i lost a hero. i don't think i could love this man any more if he were my own father. this man that loved me generously with abandon....he loved my kids that way too. he loved his own children, his wife, his city. i feel like i said some of these same words about my husband's grandfather.... but this man i knew intimately. he built me a home, he raised his son to be my amazing husband, he loved his wife for over 35 years and showed my husband how to love a wife...... and boy did he love jesus. he loved jesus in such a way that it shaped the way he lived every part of his life....and man did he pray. tuesdays were my day... the day he prayed for our family, our church, our network, our marriage, our children.... for peanut's need for patience; for little bit's to survive to his third bir...

today is my brother's 28th birthday. it makes feel old because i don't feel a day older than 25 myself and him turning 28 means i am for real not 25. he is also going to be a dad.... that amazes me. not because i think he won't be a good dad but because it means we really are adults. i realize i am saying this after having given birth to my third child but it seems more real with him having a kid than me having one (or three). i still think of him as the kid i drove around when i was in high school and was still taller than....never mind that he is almost six feet tall.... and his arm muscles are about the size of my head ( being a marine makes him buff..... so does training for a triathalon). i've realized a couple of things about him as an adult: he is super funny. his blog makes me laugh out loud (his is called "a real superman"). i realize that it might only be funny to those who know him but i found his experience at the new kids on the block conce...

sweet pea is one month as of yesterday. wow, that went fast. it makes me slightly reflective. i was watching oprah. i know you are thinking, "how does she have time to watch tv?" my mom is in town..... sweet pea was asleep, boys were playing with legos. it was interesting to hear how important it is to hear other mothers talk about the struggle of being a mom. the reality that this job is hard and so rarely does it feel like it is okay to say, "take this job and shove it." do i have the freedom to say that? can i really struggle in front of other people? i have a one month old and i am tired. frankly, i was tired before i had her. frankly, i have been tired for four years..... i have not slept through the night in almost five years. this is a hard job....and how does my blog play into that? i post pics of a garden that i am not planting. i post pics of a cake that really only took me about 10 minutes to decorate that came from a box. i post pics of adventu...

he is 4 today..... how do i have a 4 year old? that amazes me almost (almost) more than the fact that i have three kids. i marvel at how much of his own person he is: how sweet he is to his sister, how frustrated he gets with his brother, how much he loves music & learning, how my heart melts when he tells me (unprompted) how much he loves me, how he learns about who god is & how he was made in god's image, how he is such a big helper and is growing up so fast..... and how i can hardly believe what it feels like to have my heart walk around outside my body. we ventured out of the borough to staten island and visited their children's museum. it is free with our brooklyn children's museum pass. we got to take daddy with us since he has started taking fridays off. the boys had a blast. it is the right size to spend about two or three hours....and worth the drive ($10 to cross the bridge) since it was free :) tomorrow the birthday boy wants sushi for lunch after...

last night's grey's anatomy kind of messed with my head. it was all about how the hospital was really not any better (or more mature) than high school. i need to stop watching. it is weird; i think i have come so far, yet my struggles don't really seem to change. am i too loud, too quiet, on the "in crowd," authentic enough, too transparent, HOW obnoxious is my laugh, really...... all those insecurities that i think i have laid to rest slowly creep in every once in awhile no matter how much more i understand of myself or of how god created me. i even had an old friend in town a couple of weeks ago and could feel myself seeking approval....looking for validations on my weight loss, hair color, home decor, cooking, balance between funky diva & full-time mom.... anything to say that i am better or different (improved) from who i was then..... i got none. which i think is what i needed to be reminded that once again my fear of man can often times be larger than ...

a week ago, i was bemoaning the fact that i had not lost a pound. this week, i feel like a million bucks. what changed? who knows.... my head, my heart, my runnings, my waxer....... p.shivers had a reality check and here was mine: personal waxer (for unmentionable areas that are affected by swimsuits) from the ukraine named olga (seriously, i could not make that up...i guess i could, but i did not). o: you need wax for bathing suit? vacation? k: yes, i swim for exercise. o: you wear one piece or two? k: oh, a one piece, of course. o: no, of course. you young. wear two piece. old, fat people wear one piece. k: well, i had a baby six months ago and i am still getting into shape. o: no...well.... in ukraine, i wear two piece. in america, i wear one piece but i not fat in ukraine. you no look like baby six months ago. you, no wear one piece. old and fat wear one piece. you wear two. you look like me, you wear one piece. you look like you, you wear two piece. and there you h...

for heaven sakes, it is one week. but, it was a week that i thought i was being "good." okay...except for the cookies on monday....but a good week of eating spinach & grilled meats and salads and only half a peanut butter sandwich but a whole apple & strawberries fresh picked from new jersey. i hate going and checking it at the scale, standing there in my bathing suit and realizing i lost nothing this week. i know in my head that it okay....but for a moment there.... well, let's just say i went nuts-o. i starting creating the scenario that i had hit my plateau and that this was the end and i was not going to lose what i wanted to by my dad's wedding and blah, blah, blah. i admit that i have crazy moment... this was one of them. i have to talk sense into myself....first, stop weighing every week. two weeks is a good time frame. for those of you who hate the scales...i have to make sure i am not loosing too much because i am still a nursing mom... which t...

first, i hate insomnia.... i sucks! was home alone with sleeping babies last night and opted out of watching my brain-numbing show last night for extra sleep..... no such luck. i laid there for an hour and finally got up because my stomach got the better of me.... peanut butter.... straight from the jar! read for awhile (onto a new brain candy book, in case you are interested). finally went to be around midnight when hubbie came home. was up at 5:45... we all were.... not micah, but the three of us that inhabit the back room were. so, i hit the pool. completely different crowd than the one that i am used to at 8am. but first, i was greeted at the door by our local R&B radio station's crew & fans - they were broadcasting live from the YMCA this morning.... argh. it is too early you people. well, i had a slow swim in the slow lane. took my time.....10 minutes. spot opened up in the middle lane... i move over..... 7 minutes. it was all i could do. my body was feeling th...

it dawned on me this week.... as i preparing to leave the nursing baby for one night.... that i really have about six weeks left until he is six months and i can wean. having had trouble with my milk through micah and seeing similarities with asher (with not quite the same magnitude)..... it is all i can do to finish the six months. all of this leads to multiple thoughts. first, in light of ephron's book and seeing things in light of age & wisdom, i wrestle with how much i struggle with my own weight stuff. is this really that big of a deal? no. i know this, but i tell you truth when i say that is a motivating factor at 7:30 in the morning when i can either get 30 more minutes of sleep or go swim before john has to head of to work. (i do opt for the sleep some mornings... i am only human) part of this comes up because a friend is doing weight watchers and i always think about joining her.... for me and for her. for me to have accountability; for her to have a partner to do i...

sometimes it feels as if the universe is out to get me. thursday: micah cried for twenty minutes after his nap. i was sitting on the floor in his room with two crying boys. these boys hate me. friday: micah was really, really tough all morning. we had to leave the house so i did not send him to meet his maker. at the park, he was doing the opposite of everything i said. i think he was replaced by a pod-person during the night. micah hates me. friday PM: micah cried for 40 minutes straight. he was inconsolable. he went to bed without dinner because he wouldn't calm down enough to sit down and take a bite.... it was a good dinner too. we felt bad for him.... he was a mess. friday night PM/saturday AM: asher woke up at 11, 2:30, 4:15. at 2:30 & 4:15 he was awake for about half an hour.... not crying just making noise.... i was trying to sleep. that didn't really happen. asher hates me. saturday: my body is against me. i got out of bed, nursed the baby, and hit t...

is two today. how did that happen? i know that i have two children but how did i get to have a two year old. there is no baby in him! he knows his colors, can recognize the letter "m" for micah & "d" for daddy, can count to 2.....what happened?! i have been thinking about his for about two weeks now. two years ago today, i became a mom. i mean i was in the process for nine months, true. but in one day, my life was no longer my own....the reality of my time no longer being own, my body had long ceased to be my own..... it all changed. what a delight though to hold that baby.....but have i gotten any better at this?! of course, i am not as nervous, neurotic, worried because i know they don't break, scraps mend, bruises heal.....it is the other stuff that i think i am still worry about. his heart: do i cuddle him enough? do i scold him enough? is there enough freedom? are there enough boundaries? are we outside enough? do i introduce him to books e...

i find it interesting....... .......how the two boys are in sync already. apparently we had not weathered the worst of operation big boy-no paci....he cried for almost an hour. what we thought would be an early bedtime was not....then asher (who was supposed to sleep until 2) woke up at midnight only to be followed by big brother 10 minutes later "scared." .......how 20 & 30 years olds (including myself) walk around the locker room delicately covered up by the towel that is slightly too small to cover my rumpus..... and yet the 50 & 60 years old strut around with no shame. nora ephron claims that the things that we things we hate about out bodies in our 20s will be the things we long for in our 50s. funny how that works...maybe i'll lose my abandon and sit in the sauna naked as a jaybird..... naw!!! .......how fun sitting on the kitchen counter while daddy cooks is for a two year old. .......how much i want to cut my hair. .......how excited i am to have gott...

well, not actually. i paid for them. i had a meeting scheduled for yesterday, so i got a babysitter. when it looked like our schedules were not going to work out, i decided to keep the babysitter..... and get a pedicure. i had 80 minutes all to myself. i read a book while my feet were massaged & painted....then i enjoyed a cup of coffee while sitting outside in the 60 degree sunshine and just sat....it was quiet & i even prayed a little. even though i get quiet moments during nap times, it just isn't the same as skipping away on my own for a few minutes of solitude....shared with the other 4 million people in new york.

from church yesterday..... to christ the lord let every tongue, its noblest tribute bring when he's the subject of the song, who can refuse to sing? survey the beauties of his face, and on his glories dwell think of the wonder of his grace, and all his triumphs tell. to him i owe my life and breath, and all the joys i have he makes me triumph over death, and saves me from the grave to heav'n the place of his abode, he brings my weary feet shows me the glories of my god, and makes my joy complete. since from his bounty i receive, such proofs of love divine had i a thousand hearts to give, lord they should all be thine a thousand men could not compose, a worthy song to bring yet your love is a melody, our hearts can't help but sing. all i can say is "wow." god is growing my faith.... he is stretching my trust..... he is proving himself over and over and over. as a friend of mine just reminded me... god is not my father (of the earthly sort).... he is faithful, consi...