my heart leaves me every day



it walks around without assistance.
it eats lunch in the cafeteria.
it learns how to share, write letters, and play keyboard.
it participates in gym and dance.
it is not happy.

transition to kindergarten has been tough on both of us.
he doesn't like it.
i miss him.
i don't like that he doesn't like it.
that breaks my heart.


i had this moment in the store last week where i realized that i only had two children with me. somehow, how i saw myself was acutely aware of how others saw me.....normal. no one commented on the fact that i had two boys and "finally got my girl" or "wow, your kids are close" or even "are they all yours?" i was just a mom with two kids. nothing remarkable. i wanted to wear a sign that said, "my other one just started kindergarten!!" the tension of how much easier it was to navigate my day in opposition to missing my oldest kiddo. it is weird not to have him around all day. it is fun to interact with the other two.....it is wonderful to see them more individually.....but it is strange to be fading in the background of my first born's little world. the majority of his day does not revolve around me anymore.... i am still the mom and am greeted so very warmly with lots of hugs at the end of every school day....but i am not a part of every moment anymore.

kindergarten is a tough transition for both of us.
we will make it..... and hopefully love it in the process.

Comments

Dave said…
Man, Kathy. I am so sorry that it is so hard! Sooo sorry. It sounds just heartbreaking.

We are having a rough time too...but in different ways. Andrew is a-okay leaving us to go to school everyday, but I feel sooo vulnerable sending him to Kinder. Longer day, less adults than pre-k, less support overall...and I'm sure that everything will iron out. But, I can't wait for that to happen already!!
2:12 PM EDT
Janna said…
I love your heart, friend! Thanks for taking the time to share it with me today. You are a gift to me.
9:55 PM EDT
rogerse said…
you are breaking my heart. our hearts are walking around outside our body!....causing the the most gratifying and painful experiences ever...thinking of you. miss you. e
11:53 AM EDT
Tiffany said…
I have to say that reading this makes me want Baby Bear to SLOW DOWN in his growth. Thanks for sharing your heart.
1:39 PM EDT
Anonymous said…
kat!!
okay, why did i not know until TODAY that you have a blog? i'm going to throttle you for not telling me sooner. now i have to ditch my plans for the day and read every single entry to catch up. :)
that said, can i come see you?
during a school day? you say when + i'll be there.
xo
kj
7:06 AM EDT
Barbara R-G said…
That was absolutely beautiful. I send you sympathy.
1:36 AM EDT
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