mind tweak

last night's grey's anatomy kind of messed with my head. it was all about how the hospital was really not any better (or more mature) than high school. i need to stop watching.

it is weird; i think i have come so far, yet my struggles don't really seem to change.

am i too loud, too quiet, on the "in crowd," authentic enough, too transparent, HOW obnoxious is my laugh, really......

all those insecurities that i think i have laid to rest slowly creep in every once in awhile no matter how much more i understand of myself or of how god created me.

i even had an old friend in town a couple of weeks ago and could feel myself seeking approval....looking for validations on my weight loss, hair color, home decor, cooking, balance between funky diva & full-time mom.... anything to say that i am better or different (improved) from who i was then.....

i got none. which i think is what i needed to be reminded that once again my fear of man can often times be larger than my fear of my creator.... meaning that i don't marvel enough that i am adored, cherished, chosen by the creator of the universe. it means more to me that someone notices that i have lost a few pounds, or that my hair has new highlights, or that i make kick ass homemade pasta..... all of this which is SO important in the scheme of life......

do i love my children, do i respect my husband, am i humble, do i love scripture, do i seek truth & speak in love.... why are these not the things that i long to be noticed for?

oh how shallow i really am!!!
may the lord continue to change me.... quickly, please!

Comments

tami schuch said…
do i ever know what you mean. sigh...
12:23 PM EST
Vicki said…
These are the struggles we all face. My mind/heart knows that it is Christ that should be preeminent in my life, but the flesh seems to prevail in my day to day thinking. I'm so grateful that we have a savior who lived in the flesh and knows what we must wrestle with each day. Until he rescues me from this body, I am afraid that I will continue to wrestle with these things daily. Thanks for making me think.
5:52 PM EST
lydia said…
we miss you here in Lakeland! I tagged you on my blog - and g'ma wants you to post about your thanksgiving plans so we can feel like we are together.
6:07 PM EST
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